News of the Underworld
NOTW’s vampiric thirst for pointless underworld knowledge took a turn for the even worse today when that it’s satellite office/Scotland Yard announced that it was contacting the families of the victims murdered in the 7/7 bombings to reveal they may have been subject to phone hacking.
Not content with deleting voicemails and shitting over evidence from fellow murder victim Milly Dowler’s phone and also tormenting the grieving families of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman the NOTW continues to dig dirt so deep that they are dragging the dead out from their graves as if they were fame and flesh hungry X-Factor zombie rejects. Or Hugh Grant.
WHAT THE FUCK were the News Of The World hoping to find in the voicemails of dead people?! Maybe some fucked up NOTW journo imagined he was in Twin Peaks as Special Agent Dale Cooper and that hacking into phone of a murdered school girl was little more than finding Laura Palmer’s secret diary.
VOICEMAIL RECIEVED ON THE….7TH…OF…JULY…2005.
“HIIIII. JUST CHECKED INTO HEAVEN. NOT SURE WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. GOT TO EDGWARE ROAD AND THE TRAIN TUNNEL WENT FROM BLACK TO WHITE. CAN SEE ROBERT MAXWELL COUNTING SOME MONEY. LOOKS LIKE HE’S BEEN SWIMMING. OH AND DIANE JUST BUMPED INTO ME AND ASKED IF I WANTED TO JOIN HER AND GIANNI FOR A BOOZY LUNCH. SO…YEAH..LET ME KNOW IF YOU GET THIS AND I’LL AND I’L SPEAK TO YOU LATER. BYEEE”
A new low. What’s next, Carole Malone raiding the bins of abortion clinics for gossip?
Boycott the News Of The World and boycott it’s sister publication ‘toilet paper’ too. Then use the money you’ve saved from both to buy a megabus return to London and shite all over the soil stained streets of Wapping instead.
RebEkkeqah Brooks (née Evil) isn’t the only red top that needs culling here.
x
DOs and DO NOWs
It was my birthday last week. One week is way too long for you who forgot to say Happy Birthday. So don’t even try to style it out with time-zones excuses. No country is a week behind. Unless you go to Scotland where it’s many years behind.
So, i’m 26 years old now. Far from an old age by today’s standards. It’s less than half of the current world’s average age. However, had I lived in the Bronze Age or in modern day Swaziland I would now be bidding my farewells.
I don’t fear death. I used to fear regret on my death bed but now I kind of understand that regret is futile and often your wrong turnings ultimately take you to somewhere you would never have intended to go. Had I not have realise this, imagine my reaction when if I walked into a book shop and seen..
100 MOVIES YOU MUST SEE BEFORE YOU DIE
100 PLACES YOU MUST SEE BEFORE YOU DIE
100 FOODS YOU MUST EAT BEFORE YOU DIE
100 ALBUMS YOU MUST HEAR BEFORE YOU DIE
100 BOOKS ON 100 THINGS YOU MUST READ BEFORE YOU DIE
As if life is some fucking tick sheet that’s to be marked on my death bed for someone to assess whether or not my life was a successful or not based on my accomplishments as invigilated by a cheap list? It’s like reading a C.V and instantly deeming the candidate unsuitable because he or she has never eaten the traditional Norse delicacy of seal testicles. Not that anyone would put that on their C.V.
Just because you’ve ticked all the boxes doesn’t mean you understand them. Anyone can follow a list. You could easily download those 100 albums right now, listen to them and claim that you never need listen to another album again and that you can die a completed human with no regrets. Had you only listened to 98 of them and been run over by a lorry tomorrow you would have died incomplete, just like your the skull that houses your unfulfilled brain.
The worst example of using fear of the inevitable has to be STA Travel who in early 2010 ran their ‘10 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU TURN 30’ campaign. Later in the same year they ran a similar advertising campaign, ‘35 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU HIT 35’
You can imagine the scenes in the STA Travel boardroom in the middle of 2010.
“We had great market penetration with our last promotion. Spending was up with our under 30s but unfortunately sales were down with our over 30s. So, how can we better this? Anyone?”
“Oooh oooh! Why not, add more things and then…wait for it… increase the age from 30 to 35. Think about it! We are alienating 5 years worth of people. What’s that, like 10% or something!? And by giving people more things to do, say I don’t know.. 35 is catchy, we can sell more tours!”
Anyone with the time or money can do this. Tick sheets are ways of making sure you cover the bare minimum or all that is required of you in order to meet the desired criteria. That’s the way people talk when it comes to travelling these days.
“Did you DO the rainforest? You have to DO the rainforest’ We did it whilst DOING Brazil”
Not visit or explorer. Did and do. It seems to me the hollow choice word of those who wish to perceive to be doing something for it’s sake rather than to enjoy the act itself.
“If you don’t DO it soon or not at all you will…”
Will what? Drown in a bath of my own regret stricken tears? Fuck off.
I guess I don’t like the pressure. A kick up the arse is always welcome but there is so much pressure on NOW. Society seems to be changing so quickly that so much pressure is being put on achieving things before you reach a certain age.
When my parents were 26 they had mortgages, full-time jobs, children and responsibilities. I have not one clue what I want to do. I can barely commit to buying a toothbrush. The only commitment other than my (rock solid) relationship is my electricity bill which terrifies me but I seek solace in knowing it will be terminated in 7 months. We’re supposed to be rebelling against the conformities that our parents fell into much government’s dismay. BORN - EDUCATION - JOB - FAMILY - JOB - DIE
People who are single, unhappy with their career or feeling they have “missed the boat” should realise that putting a time limit on your achievements will only put yourself under unnecessary pressure and there is nothing wrong with taking things slowly and over a long period of time. Say, your entire lifetime?!
I love travel and I love exploring. Though life is a journey in itself and sometimes you end up in places with people that you would never have imagined you would end up. I agree we should make the most out of life, throw ourselves in the deep and expose ourselves to new things but on our own path, not anyone else’s. Unfortunately, the beaten path has now been paved over.
Now That’s What They Call..Copyright Infringement
In a July 2009 interview, then British Prime Minister Gordon Brown divulged the sacred contents of his iPod in a bid to bathe in the font of youth, brush off any PR cobwebs and attract the audio savvy ‘yoof’. His painfully predictable, genre spanning response was name dropping the unavoidable Amy Winehouse, buzzword worthy Arctic Monkeys, Bach and underground blip on the rader hippy shakers The Beatles. The Beatles?
Now, it wasn’t until November 2010 that The Beatles back catalogue became officially available on iTunes after a long running legal dispute between the band’s publishing house Apple Corps and iPod’s Apple Inc. Given that the current copyright law states, as of March 2012, the purchase of a legal music CD and the burning of it onto a computer for transfer to a portable music device is technically illegal. Meaning that the only possible way Brown could have obtained The Beatles’ tracks on his iPod would be by this method therefor breaking the current law under copyright infringement and to the delight of many, face potential potential prosecution.
In the defence of Brown and the millions of people including myself who are “guilty” of this act, Apple’s own mandatory digital media juke box iTunes encourages users to rip CDs automatically upon insertion for subsequent syncing with portable media devices. In the middle of the last decade when record labels and Apple were up in arms over business models, they flirted with the idea of implementing Digital Rights Management restrictions on their music CDs. A move that was highly criticised by artists, consumers and industry bodies and subsequent scrapped. The move was pointless as with any modern day copyright restrictions hackers were able to by-pass them.
In the eyes of the law we are all guilty of this act. Though, are we all guilty of copyright infringement?! No one has ever been prosecuted. At worst, a few people have been arrested during market raids for mass burning of CDs but these have been futile PR scare tactics. According to research carried out by consumer watchdog Consumer focus, a mere 15% of people were aware that it is illegal to transfer music from a CD to an iPod.
So why are we still under threat of prosecution for such an obsolete format?! Because record companies have got away with selling us the same product on a different format for years. For example, you bought Meat Loaf’s camp biker classic, ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ on vinyl back in 1977. Fast forward (LOL) to the early 80s when you’ve bought a car with a tape deck. That means you’ll probably want to go out and buy the fidly cassette version. You now own 2 copies on 2 formats. A few years later, you’re so besotted with the indestructible promises of the compact disc you go out and by the CD version and a few years down the line, the inevitable super special limited anniversary addition with bonus material. But CDs were not all they promised to be. They are jumpy and get scratched so you’re sold on the idea of the new MiniDisc and buy one of those only to realise 5 minutes later that it’s now obsolete as mp3s are around the corner. So you buy an iPod and purchase the same album on iTunes for the 6th or 7th time in .m4a format. Then you realise nothing sounds as good as the original record so you blow the dust off your old turntable and buy the 30th anniversary re-issue vinyl. But hey, you’re a vulnerable loyal fan willing to spend all your disposable income on not only the music but the new formats. Oh and you are a sucker and a record company executive’s pin-up. Now move on and buy some new music.
Prior to the release of the digital format, it was difficult for the everyday music listener to shift our music between formats without the sacrifice in either loss of quality or money. Now, in the days of convergence, mp3 and m4a formats can be transfered easily between devices. No more obsolete, expensive clunky mechanical devices. Granted things can get messy and are far from perfect when dealing with iTunes and syncing up mobile phones and purchases from different computers, we now accept a universal format that is affordable and has longevity.
Today’s report by Professor Ian Hargreaves outlines the future of intellectual property in the UK calling for a relax on what’s known as “format shifting”. This is term used for the transferring of copyrighted content between the consumer’s devices. Hopefully we will now see a relax in the law where we can freely swap the music which we buy between formats. But are these new outlines even worth the paper they are written on? Will any of this eradicate or even halt piracy? No. The business models have changed and artists and labels are now aware that days of making money from traditional album releases are coming to an end. Unless you are part of the elite but very, very small pack of established artists that are supported by record labels you will struggle to claim back the money spent on producing the album in the first place.
Good Mourning, America
The arrow of time is very much a one way street. Death is inevitable and thanks to tax havens such as Dubai and the Cayman Islands, the only true certainty left in life. We mourn it, we seldom welcome it and on very rare occasions we champion it. Some cry tears of sorrow, others tears of joy. Wether it happens by choking on a Lego brick or being trampled to death by a heard of Justin Bieber fans, one man’s comedy is another man’s tragedy.
As a child I always struggled to cope with the bad guy dies. Even if the bad guy spent every second of their life creating unrelenting hate and pain. I guess it’s because I believe in fear and that the last seconds of life are drenched in so much regret and remorse.
“I wish I would have opened that bottle of whisky that has been sitting on top of my fridge for 4 years”
“If only I told her how much she means to me”
“Aw shoot! I truly regret creating Al-Qaeda, being responsible for militant acts of aggression of terrorism and orchestrating the death of over 2000 innocent civillians on 9/11”
I look at Scar from The Lion King. Despite his evil agendas I couldn’t help but wonder in his last few beautifully animated cells before he’s ripped to shreds by the hyenas, that he might have regretted betraying them. Or take the Wicked Witch Of The West from ‘The Wizard Of Oz’. Those were HER slippers, for fuck’s sake. Ahem.
Now, I am in NO WAY comparing Osama bin laden to a Disney villain. But those are the scenes right now in America. Ding Dong Osama’s dead. Osama’s death has become become just another cheap, 5 minute, pop-culture meme no more important to the mass media than Charlie Sheen or Rebecca Black. Teams of un-dignified jingoistic star spangled soaked take to the streets and social networks to celebrate his death as if the last 10 years was some media friendly, Marvel comic, serialised, ad-filled camp panto and now that the villan is out the way and we can get on with the final act where the hero reins supreme and everyone lives happily ever after.
Well only one of the bad guys died. Are there any true bad guys in war?! What about the estimated 30,000+ civillians that the world lost 10 years ago when the world went mad. People have every right to party like it’s Spring Break on his watery grave and in no way am I condoning or supporting his actions. But after seeing newspaper headlines like ”Rot In Hell” and “WE GOT THE BASTARD!!”, maybe we should asses how death can bring out the worst in humans. Even the image of Obama hiding backstage watching a live footage of the attack as if he was Ashton Kutcher on Punk’d doesn’t sit well.
Much like watching the scenes of rejoice from Palestinians on 9/11, I can’t help but feel uncomfortable. Without a doubt his actions were inexcusable. He created an evil regime set out from the beginning to murder innocent civilians without remorse. Given the chance and a loaded gun, if they were alive, do you think that EVERYONE who died on September 11th would shoot Osama bin laden? Or maybe some see the that justice is carried out and that he is fairly made to stand trial for his revolting crimes?
Prior to 9/11, the largest attack on the United States Of America was the tragic Lockerbie Bombing in 1988. In 2000, Abdelbaset al-Megrahi stood a 36-week trial that took place at a specially convened Scottish Court in the Netherlands set up under Scots law and held at a disused United States Air Force base called Camp Zeist near Utrecht. He was sentenced to life imprisonment. However, Megrahi was later freed on compassionate grounds by the Scottish Government in 2009 following doctors reporting that he had terminal prostate cancer and was expected to have around three months to live. The decision to the release of a mass murder came with understandable anger and confusion and with no compassion from the United States. In any right-wing “eye for an eye” country that supports capital punishment, there can never be compassion.
It’s a truly difficult subject to tackle. I guess that’s the price of living in a beautiful democracy full of ideas and free speech. The only person to perfectly sum up the situation was the Independent’s Middle East correspondent, Robert Frisk.
”A middle-aged nonentity, a political failure outstripped by history – by the millions of Arabs demanding freedom and democracy in the Middle East – died in Pakistan yesterday. And then the world went mad.”
The Royal Wedding. Brought to you by Domestos.
This Friday sees the return of Britain’s most dysfunctional family to our screens. In a one-off televised special, Prince William of Wales will ‘put a ring on it’ to his university sweetheart, Catherine Middleton in what is set to be the biggest television event since.. probably last year’s X-Factor final. Millions of minions will watch the wedding live in tears of joy or simply not watch at all (but still in tears).
As with every royal extravaganza, the monarchy’s relevance is publicly up for debate. The republicans will argue that the royal family are setting back their country hundreds of years by encouraging meritocrats to drain tax payer’s money on posh privileges during economically unstable times. Royalists will argue that they are a tourist draw, part of the furniture, a reliable rickety antique that makes for an acceptable panic story on a slow news day when Sienna Miller has changed her voicemail pin number.
The wedding is Her Majesty’s toughest time since the passing of Diana Princess Of Wales in 1997. Not only does she have to give away her eldest grandson to a filthy ‘commoner’, she also has to put on a spectacle as a diversionary tactic for a cynical, grim faced public facing equally grim times. Oh, and also convince the lefty republicans that they are still value for money whilst changing Prince Phillip’s Tena Man pads. She works hard for the money!
Well I say to Lizzie, put down your hunting rifle and sod the lefty bottom feeders. Voluntarily ditch the tax payers money and get some sponsors on board. Better still, let’s privitise the Royal Family.
We could have rename Buckingham Palace as the The o2 Palace and rent out Balmoral as the new Big Brother house. Or let Legoland fully expand into Windsor Castle. How about force the newly styled, ‘Fanta presents Prince Andrew’ be the face to Injury Lawyers 4 U and have Princess Anne endorsing Greggs steak bakes? Prince Phillip could advertise the Nintendo Wii as his missus fronts H.Samuel’s new ‘Family Jewels’ collection.
Even the wedding ceremony would pay for itself. The dress, the music, the wigs, the cake and the the carriages are all highly lucrative sources of income in what will certainly be one of the most televised global events of the decade. Even broadcasting the show on pay-per-view would rake in enough to cover the bar tab at the reception. Although, had the Queen Mother still be alive today this would be debatable. The royals would be better off with out us. Make their own money and spend it on whatever the fuck they want.
In the year 2009-2010, the Queen cost the UK tax payer 62 pence per person, per year. Around the same as a ‘reduced to clear’ economy can of lager in Britain today. 20 years ago, this stood at well over £1.20 per person not taking into account inflation. So why the sharp decrease, your Highness? Upper class guilt as you stuff your Aga roasted swan with fois gras?! Or perhaps you’ve insulated your residencies so well with black bear fur that you’re heating bills have gone down since switching to a combination boiler with Scottish Gas.
So why can’t we strip them down (not literally, that would be hideous) and sell them off to Tesco or the highest bidder? With well respected public services and institutions such as the BBC and the NHS’s books currently being rifled through by George Osbourne and facing certain privatisation, everything and anything seems to be up for grabs. Why not relocate Prince Harry to Salford Quays? We can only prey that the televisions in the hard pressed NHS wards are switched to ‘Murder She Wrote’ this Friday and the remote control is well hidden.
Hopefully this cornerstone for the monarchy will blow in a wind of change into the stuffy, old antique. After all, one man’s trash is another man’s national treasure.
